Feeling Blue!!??

Found my reason after so long. The reason stayed but not for long.
Am i among those unfortunate ones who turn to their blogs only when the blues overpower. Wow! i started writing this and i m blank now. Cannot recall the words which forced me to sign in. Phew!!
Ok then let me try to pour something in. Ya probably i was to talk about some temporary phases which keep on knocking back again.. and yet again.. The one thing belonging to this category is coming back to the same old state of mind, just when you thought you were able to get over all that.
Well i thought this would be the last time. But God..... Things are not as simple as they do look..!! it had to come back. Come back being more strong this time.
You enjoy this.. dont you.. Oh God.. How could you.......
I cant even request you to stop doing this. Not for this that you wont grant me wat i want, I know, u know all that i wish for..
The secret is I enjoy fighting these temporary phases.. and then if everything in life had to be so straight and simple then what fun could have been left in life...

If you want to test, then lets play.. I'm into this game to welcome your bouncers.. :)
Thanks for making my life so happening.. ;)
And yeah you don't have to worry.. I'm enjoying down here with my people..

aal izz well here
:)

my life ratings

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.8
Mind:	8
Body:	8.4
Spirit:	8.3
Friends/Family:	5.9
Love:	7.7
Finance:	6.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Being, Belonging and Becoming.

There is this feeling called ego, which resides in the minutest parts of brain. Results: I could see it going away from me long back.. But I never attempted to change the wind.
There is another emotion referred as affection. Results: I don’t feel strong enough to see or accept the things as they are. Actually never expected it could get this worse. Woossshhhh… late lamenting…
Being what I have been till now wasn’t easy. Running away from what belonged to me was an error in judgment. And now I don’t want to become what it might take me to.
To stop thinking would not be the solution as I can’t stop seeing.
If… if only I could own time... if only anybody could own time… I would not shy away from begging some for me... just a few months or a little more undeniably.. Want to erase some parts so as to make the air comfortable.
Well I know it has to stay as such. Science still has many bars. The good old saying is the only truth. You have control only in your present. Being honest to all the belongings, material or immaterial, will help become well again.

Being the Mediator

How is it like when u r told that u r somebody's last hope. And still u r unable to solve the puzzle.
One asking to talk about the solution. I suppose this makes a level assured to reach the other end.
Other says dont hint to that, the apparent stable equation might get lopsided.
I feel weak. There seems to be no easy fix for this separation. Constantly being asked what could be the way to cross this hurdle. Tried.. to help them pass through.. but a step from other side showing willingness is all i need.

Though the attempt was delayed, the extent of efforts required has already surpassed.
Sometimes it goes in mind to go on with the flow and leave back all who dont want to continue. Alas! the harder part is that the thoughts keep developing ever growing cobwebs entrapping good old times forcing to reconsider.

Its as if the hope is itself hopeless.. helpless..

BATTLING CONFUSIONS

This grief is for the feeling of not being sufficient to achieve. The purpose might not be to actually achieve. This time it is to know if at all my capabilities are able enough to reach the desired end. The driver is the intention to overcome the guilt of incompetence. I know testifying would need investing lot of time.

Truth remains in my conscience. What that would be at the end is not what I want from my life. This is the rush of wants which others want. Impact of surroundings is the reason of wants. Still I want it. Be it for the impact or be it for the need to overcome the culpability.
And then I say how much fun it will be to achieve and then moving over without accepting? Need a word more precise than ‘funny’ to beat the situation? HaHa!! It is easy to talk big and to try to prove you don’t care but what if you are actually mad over certain issues.

Oh dear.. Why can’t you make a final decision before moving ahead?? Why are you always so confused…??
Wish i could battle my confusions......

THE HOLINESS OF MY HOLY CITY

It’s not as big a city as any of the metros of our country. But people here know how to welcome everyone wholeheartedly. This is a pious place whose foundation was laid by the great Guru Ram Das Ji in 1574. I know this place as the world’s best place. It is called Amritsar.

The holiness of my city not only lies in the historical connections but in its present potential also. “Present Potential” is what was displayed by establishment of India’s first ever Wall Mart Venture, known as “Best Price”, in my city. Venture analysts must have found that maximum benefits for the venture and for the local customers as well will be earned from this "not so big city" and not from other big cities of country like Mumbai or Delhi. From the time it opens in morning and till the last entry Best Price remains flooded. Benefiters are the local retailers of areas near by as they are getting best things at best possible prices. And benefiters also include many of my category who get their chocolates at much lower prices :P One roof and name anything; I literally mean any anything (obviously only the material things), you will find all under this one roof. I stood next to the section of my interest. Filled my basket with chocolates, chips, juices, soft drinks. And who would stop me when prices tell you should not leave anything.

Another instant, a thought of which always makes me overwhelmed with a sense of proud, happened when I was in Kashmir for a family outing. We were out for shopping in Sonmarg and my Maa wanted some good Kashmiri shawls. But somehow we were not appealed by the available designs (courtesy me… I rejected them all :P) then the shopkeeper said.. “Ye dekhiye madam.. Amritsar ka kaam hai..” this happened again when our hunt was on in Srinagar. This time the shopkeeper wanted to tell us good things about Amritsar ke suits. I felt as if I was a winner... even the great Himalayas don’t have what my city has (yes yes I know the beauty of that place is beyond any compare).
Mention of Amritsar is incomplete without a talk about world’s most peaceful place. Watching the reflection of Swarn Mandir in its Amrit Sarovar with silence all around, enjoying with the flow of multi-colored fishes taking pleasure with their jumps over the pond are among the moments I want to live forever.
For me the holiness of this city lies rooted with my own home. A flash of which brings a smile on my face. My room, the comfort, all memories. Hmmm… I love being there…
Long live the city! Long live the people of this city! Long live my memories associated with holy city!

How can I explain what I feel..

Why should I tell you my weakness,
You might exploit it someday.
How can I say to you what hurts me the most,
You might overlook sooner or later.
Questions keep flowing in this depthless ocean of thoughts
Contradictions, interpretations, arguments all dwell here...
Quite some notions bind my dilemma…
If not to you, with whom can I share my heart!?
I am afraid,
Letting you know everything might make things difficult
For me and for you too,
Or it might make everything just as wonderful as in my fantasies!!
Why am I saying all this when we share a pure knot,
For, this time, I hope, will hold no misunderstandings…
Weakness if I have any, it is you…
Hurt whenever I feel, is when you are hurt…
It’s true…

You are my True Love...

Perceptions

“It wasn’t practical” were the remarks of my sister while we were walking out after watching “Love Aaj Kal”. Same day as I was chatting to one of my cousins, his words “the movie was so practical” reminded me of something called “perceptions”. Both of them, being different individuals, have different ideologies and see things from different angles.

We all mango people are different from each other. Something most important for one can be of least worth to the other.

Most difficult challenges faced by me sometimes have been to get someone’s frequency down to match the level of my perceptions. Well obviously being a Capricorn I would hardly ever admit I am at fault. But some misconceptions might never let a few understand I am possibly not the one who is to be blamed every time things go wrong. Things happen sometimes for no reasons. Khamkha… Bewajah… probably for perceiving things as their diagonally opposite meanings far-off the truth…

Without going out of the track by playing the word games… it was for my sister who has never seen distances in her love life ------ with all my heart I wish she never has to… may all my happiness may be hers…-------- that the movie proved to be far from realities to her. For others who know the sufferings of separations, the story had links to their own lives…
It was funny and cute... I liked the movie for my perceptions are different from all others… it was only for entertainment of two and a half hours… I meant only business… to enjoy for the money I paid for the ticket without getting emotional :P give cinema its cinematic liberty and enjoy…. :)

Winds of change

Strength i have gained,
For the times my heart pained.

Things i have learned,

That shall remain as a treasure earned.

Ahh I m tired of learning so many definitions and of keeping up pace with their consistently changing metaphorical meanings. Meanings are changing with altering aaj and kal’s. How was love defined for me and the way I feel about this fairy tale expression today. Friendship was just a simple word for me and what do my friends mean in the present day. Why when at school I wanted things which now don’t value me. Definitions of priorities are becoming dense day per day. Good is that I have a “forever” factor in relations I share with many a good people.
Who call me just when I need to talk about something :)
Who remind me of an exam which otherwise I would have missed for sure ;)
Who have the power to make me sad when I m in the best of my moods and to make me happy when the frame of mind has no defined coordinates :O
Who see those tears only when I wanted to hide them from every one and not when I earnestly want them to get noticed :P
Now don’t expect me to keep listing down these stupid things though I m sure I can end up writing pages if I m patient enough, which of course I m not :P

I still remember those days when nastiest enemies were my own closest friends. Enemies they became because they could score half a mark more in a math paper. Many things have changed. I’ve seen the best becoming worse and the pits becoming overwhelmingly great. It was sometimes jovial, on whiles embarrassing, occasionally depressing, and at times funny. It was all for my good, as both, the bright and the gloomy episodes, helped me establish my thoughts. All in all, just another brick in the wall. The wall that made me indifferent for many things.

And I may be in some fantasy world today feeling the righteousness in my beliefs; still I don’t want to make a dictionary with all new or altered definitions. Changes I know will definitely keep visiting with or without invitations, for there are obviously a few unstable things at present which I am sure will be steady with time.

I wish I meet only those winds of change which bring nothing more than pleasure and satisfaction and rest be obstructed by the walls built along the learning phases of life.

My mellowness shall reflect all dismal clouts.

AMEN

The magical formula is to ignore

Inkling of an unknown future was the reason for my discomfort.

I could hear a continuous tap from somewhere. I tried to chase it. I knew this was an indication from the skies above. I was waiting for something unknown to turn out soon. Suspicion was building up. Is it for my good as it has rarely been? Will I finally get the thing I always dreamed of? Am I getting a lottery? Or Will I be recognized as the ‘Happiest’ person of all?

My struggle to understand the sign was on the rise, and the regularity of the knocks kept mounting. Probably this was a warning for something hideous. This thought dazed my belief. I became more inquisitive. More I strived to sense it, more strained I became. Am I going to loose someone precious? Am I destined to meet an accident? What is going to happen next…? I wanted to know the future. And those beats were becoming more frequent.

Followed my thoughts, wandered with them place to place, explored every corner, added every fragment I could to finish the endeavor. Distress kept ascending. The fight seemed endless. I was not able to understand a bit. This was hurting!

The unanswered and discouraged essence decided to give up. With the sense of “let it be the way it wants to be”, I moved on. Though, the curiosity to look for the future never left me. Time ran off without much soreness. Nothing out of the ordinary, no good no bad, ever happened till a moment...

The moment, when I completely forgot those knocks. I recognized a fact.. that a few thoughts and events, sometimes, are best only if remain unobserved.

It was all so even after that moment. As if all the knocks, beats and taps got muted forever. The indication had no indication.

Sometimes we dig pitfalls for ourselves and get trapped in vicious circles of thoughts. Decoding such natural signs encrypted in the most secretive languages is not possible for us. We as humans rarely have the power to do so. We give importance to things which just have to happen and can never be jumped over. So instead of killing time by being trapped, we should develop an instinct to recognize such hollow signs and let them go without prying with the nature. If not good, such events would at least never bring any bad, if ignored.

So why be so serious… Ignore if it is not giving happiness, as says the magical formula.

‘GO ON’ SAYS YOUR CHARISMA

Had heard it existed,
But never could I trace it out.
Following the swarming tracks,
My soul stayed lifeless and unmoved were all others…
Surrounded by screeching all around,
Senseless became my expedition, Stay away from these waivers whispered someone from within.

Wandering for the truth,
Listening to the inner voice;
I walked alone…

And then in the dream last night,

I perceived my own sight;

Where are you heading, asked the sigh
Gazed all around not a hint contend,
Unaccompanied my passage seeks happiness said I…

What in this world grounds this melancholy, questioned an influence
I crave for my support,
Solitude made me wonder the realness was the reply…

‘Go on’ raised that quizzical preeminence,
The thought persuaded gratification,
As it revealed the ambition of my voyage...
My Charisma steers my verve all the times,
Holds me up when I be overlooked,
I found it all within me...